I was riding my bike this morning after filling up my front tire – something I had been putting off for about a week – and I realized how much better it felt. Like, leaps and bounds better.
Riding with the low tire was doable, but it was harder to ride, I moved slower, I would probably mess up my frame if I let it go any lower, and I was feeling worried about it the whole time.
Then I got to thinking… did I just create an analogy for what it was like having untreated anxiety for years?
Brain, you’re so smart and beautiful.
I had been on a few different SSRIs before. Since mid college to the present, I’ve bounced around with a few different prescriptions, but not really sticking any of them out. The first one I was ever prescribed made me incredibly nauseated for a month, and killed my sexual desire. The next one a few years later made me feel artificially pleasant – nearing manic actually, but incredibly desensitized to actual feelings. The most recent one was probably fine, and my adjustment period was pleasant… but at the time it was way too expensive for my budget, so I weaned myself off on my own before I probably could get the full effect (isn’t American healthcare great?).
Currently I’m taking a low dose of Lexapro, and it took at least 3 months to really kick in. The adjustment period made me exhausted. I could go to bed at 9 pm if given the opportunity and sleep in til 11 am. I had to test out a few different dose timings to make it work for me, and I settled on after lunch/ mid afternoon. The biggest benefit I’ve noticed is that there’s less anxiety noise overriding my day-to-day thoughts.
The way my doctor described it was that my anxiety level runs louder than most. Having this constant loud “noise” was ruining my “hearing”, and by taking the medicine, it is just adjusting the volume to the normal level. Anxiety is still there, and will never go away completely, but now it is less intense and less harmful – especially when there’s not an active threat.
I’ve learned to work with some of my anxiety as a blessing. I’m thorough with lists, and can think through all the details and potential errors. But rather than obsessing over one trivial detail, I can better see the big picture. I’m still anxious a lot. I still clench my jaw and pick at my cuticles when talking to people. I am a restless sleeper. However, I am more comfortable and confident looking at my anxiety face-on. Having a therapist throughout this process has been extremely helpful. I know that my conversations with her are more solution-seeking to a defined objective, and less catastrophic rambling. She was also a big encouragement to stick with my meds when I was having major sleep adjustment issues.
I am not sure if I will need to take this medication for the rest of my life. I hope that I can re-train my brain and make enough lifestyle switches that my anxiety can be gradually reduced. I also understand that my higher anxiety is a genetic predisposition, and something I don’t have complete control over. All I know for sure right now is that I am actually happy and in control, and the right medication and therapy made that happen.